


Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind.

by chihiroslaptop



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Depression, Italics, Pre-Canon, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 21:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4641552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chihiroslaptop/pseuds/chihiroslaptop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji hasn't feeling at his best lately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yumesaiko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yumesaiko/gifts).



> This fic is inspired by my recently rekindled love for the Evangelion series, which i somehow dragged Ishimaru into. sorry Ishi ;;
> 
> This fic is set pre-canon, before Shinji came to Nerv. i would say he's about twelve here, so this is about two years before the series starts. i couldn't figure out Shinji's Sensei's gender, so i just used "they" pronouns. Forgive me for any spelling or grammar mistakes.
> 
> Without further ado, i hope you enjoy !!!

      Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind.

      How many days had he laid here, devoid of emotion or feeling. He lay on his futon in his room. The blinds were shut, the curtain pulled and he lay on his side with his headphones in. His room was messy and littered with crumbs and water bottles. But he couldn't find the energy to pick himself off the floor, let alone tidy up.

      Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind.

      He'd played the tape over and over and over. He was surprised it still played at this point. But at the same time, even if it did stop working, he'd just stare into the darkness. It wouldn't be the first time. 

      In some part of his head, he knew that he must present awfully right then. His hair was messy, his clothes were dirty, he hadn't slept in three days. He must've looked like a train wreck. But somehow, even knowing how pathetic he thought he looked, he just simply couldn't find the will in him to get up.

      Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind.

      He heard footsteps outside in the hallway. They came to a stop at his door. Sensei must be home from work, then. He didn't really care. It wasn't as if Sensei actually cared about him or his well-being anyways. Sensei slid the door open, a sliver of light from the hallway landing on Shinji's face. Shinji rolled over, away from his guardian, not bothering to even pretend he was sleeping. He pulled the blanket over his head in an attempt to shut them out. After a few moments, he wasn't sure how long, he heard Sensei sigh and slide the door back shut.

      Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind.

      The music was at its maximum volume, so he couldn't turn it up any louder. It blared in his ears, drowning out any other sounds. Well, any other external sounds. No matter how loud he played the music, he couldn't seem to stop the nagging thoughts. Or the emptiness he felt in his chest. He wondered if the feeling would always be there. Were these feelings the kind that someone just got used to as they grew up? Would he eventually learn how to drown out these constant feelings of hatred?

      He had no hopes. No aspirations or dreams. He didn't have any plans or ideas as to what he would do when he grew up. He kind of mostly just did whatever everyone told him to do. Sometimes he thought, if something bad were to happen to him, like an accident, and he were to die, he wouldn't really mind it. If he were to die like that, then would anyone even care? Would Sensei care? Would his father care?

      Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind.

      He closed his eyes, but he could still feel their dryness stinging him. He'd been awake for so long. He realized he had no idea what time it was. He guessed it was three a.m., but he wasn't sure because he didn't keep a clock. The voice in his head became stronger and stronger.

      _Look at you. You're so pathetic. You've been laying here for over a week, barely getting up._ He knew that already. _Why even bother wondering about your father? Why would he want someone so weak. You can't even be bothered to off yourself. Who could want someone like that._ No one. No one wanted him. 

      Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind.

      His energy finally ran dry to the point where he couldn't bother to press rewind anymore. He could see a faint glow, coming out even from behind the blinds and the curtain. He guessed that meant it was sunrise now. He stared at the wall, feeling so empty, so alone. He felt the tears fall out on their own, not quite surprised that they were there. He was already pathetic enough, crying wasn't beneath him at this point.

      He closed his eyes, letting them out. He'd learned that as long as he was alone, it was just better to let them run their course. Despite his desire to stay awake, he felt the exhaustion hit him suddenly, unwillingly falling asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> The main idea for this fic comes from the first page of the manga, where Shinji talks about the fact that he has no ambitions and wouldn't care whether or not he died. Shinji's character has always appealed to me, the same way i'm sure he appealed to a lot of people. i loved his realistic personality and reactions. i still do. i think he's an amazing character who is vastly under-appreciated. 
> 
> i don't really know what came over me to write this, so i'm sorry about this sadness ;;  
> This fic was hard for me to write, but i hope you enjoyed it. i've been reading a lot of great evangelion fics on here, shout out to all the evanglion writers, you are all so amazing !


End file.
